When There’s A Wasp In Your Car…



I’m just brutal with flies, wasps, bees, spiders, anything with more than two legs. I have been resorted to tears over spiders in the past. I’m a motherf*cking wuss basically, so Summer isn’t really my “thing”. 

Exhibit A. Yesterday. On the first school run. Parked the car and started watching James Corden & Gwen Stefani’s Carpool Karaoke while I waited for the bell to ring. 

In the corner of my eye I see the World’s Largest Wasp sitting on the side of my dashboard. Rustling away doing I don’t know what. Searching for pollen?? There’s nothing for you in my car asshole! He didn’t even fly around the car. He just sat there in the one spot, ruining my car with his waspy little legs. 

I did what anyone as cowardly as me would do. I dropped my phone and in a panic opened my door and got out. There I was on the path with my window and door open just standing there looking like an eejit. 

One of my Mammy friends was just after parking and came over. I filled her in and she went over for a gawk. “Jesus that’s huge isn’t it??” Great so it’s not just my wildly exaggerative imagination then! 

“You could flick something at it and it might fly off?” 

“I waved a cushion at it and it didn’t budge”

“What are you going to do now?” 

“Well I’m not getting into that car until it’s gone. I’ll probably just have to abandon it or burn it or something. I’ll just have to get a new car” 

We stood there looking at it and looking around wondering if any of the other parent’s looked like the type you could walk up to and say “eh sorry, there’s a wasp in my car would you mind getting it out for me??” 

The bell was going to ring soon. My window and door were open. My bag and phone were in the car. James and Gwen had now been joined by George Clooney and Julia Roberts and they were all cheerily singing “We are the Champions” from my passenger seat. 

I relented to the fact that my window and door could not be left open while I collected my child. But I needed to put the keys in the ignition to get the window up. I stood there blankly. 

My Mammy friend braved it and took my keys. Waspy still hadn’t moved. He was still digging away on my dashboard. Or what if it was a female and was laying eggs or something?? 

We laughed about it as we walked over to the school but the harsh HARSH reality was that the World’s Largest Wasp was still in my car. 

I managed to nab a Daddy on the way back and he managed to – fairly easily – whip it with his sleeve and out he flew. I know, I KNOW, that’s something I should have been able to do myself. I know. I’m ashamed of myself. 

Maybe I could get hypnotised or something and become one with Nature… 

*Clutches fly swatter and gives the room shifty eyes*


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